Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy Read online

  *Number of words of screenplay rewritten 17,984

  *Number of words of screenplay written and put back like were in first place 16,822

  *Number of words of texts written 104,569

  *People infestered by nits 5

  *Total nits extracted 152

  *Price per nit of professionally extracted nits £8.59

  *Boyfriends lost 1

  *Boyfriends gained 2

  *Fires in house 4

  *Existing children kept intact 2

  *Children lost 7 (counting all occasions)

  *Children found 7

  *Total children 4

  OUTCOME

  Mr Wallaker – or Scott, as I occasionally call him – and I did not have a wedding, because neither of us wanted to get married again. But we did realize that neither of us had christened our children so decided to make it an excuse for a coming-together party at the big country house. That way, we decided, the children would be covered, like insurance, in case it emerged that the Christian God was the True God, even though both Mr Wallaker and I are slightly Buddhist.

  The ceremony was performed in the chapel. The school choir sang, and Scott’s sons Matt and Fred – who are no longer in boarding school but at the Senior School – played ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ on clarinet and piano. I cried most of the time. Greenlight Productions sent a bunch of flowers the size of a sheep; Rebecca had her hair done in an Afro with a lit-up sign saying ‘Motel’ and an arrow pointing down at her head; Daniel got drunk at the party and tried to get off with Talitha, leading to Sergei throwing a giant tantrum and storming off in a rage; and Jude – who had, obviously, got bored with Wildlifephotographerman’s devotion – got off with Mr Pitlochry-Howard and then had a terrible time getting out of it afterwards. Tom and Arkis sulked because we hadn’t invited Gwyneth Paltrow – even though Jake had once played with Chris Martin – and both flirted outrageously with the senior boys in the big band. Mum was still slightly annoyed that I hadn’t worn something more brightly coloured, but got over it because her coat-dress set was clearly nicer than Una’s, and Mr Wallaker is quite happy to indulge her by flirting outrageously and telling her off when she gets out of line, in a way which just makes her titter. Roxster – who had previously sent me a very nice text saying his heart was broken at the loss of his vomiting cougar, but there clearly was a Dating God as his new girlfriend had morning sickness – texted me on the day to say she wasn’t pregnant, it was just that he’d forced her to eat too much food, and she was really annoying. Which was nice.

  And somewhere up above it all, I knew in my heart that Mark would be glad. That he really, really would not have wanted us to be alone and in a confused state. And that if it had to be someone, he would be glad it was Mr Wallaker.

  And now I have not two children but four. And Billy has big boys to play Xbox with and comes off perfectly happily and without any discussion about getting to the next level if Mr Wallaker so much as looks at him. We hang out with Jake and Rebecca and the kids at weekends and everyone has someone to play with. And Mabel, for the first time since she was too tiny a baby to know, has a daddy who is in this world and not the next, and treats her like such a princess that I constantly have to Caution her. And I feel safe and not lonely, and cared for. And we go to Capthorpe House sometimes at weekends, and re-enact the scene in the bushes when the kids are in bed, with a better ending.

  And we all live together now, in a big old messy house near Hampstead Heath. And as we can all walk to school from there, we’ve decided we can manage with just the one car – which makes it SO much easier with the parking permits, though we’re still late every morning. Oh, and watch out for The Leaves in His Hair, retitled Thy Neighbour’s Yacht, coming soon as a straight-to-DVD release near you! The children finally went to the dentist and don’t have anything wrong with their teeth. And by the way, currently all six of us have head lice.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Initially it seemed the acknowledgements should be arranged in hierarchical order: there are some people without whom I would never have started the book, or who have given a huge amount of material, or just one line, or edited the whole thing. But it was a minefield of possible gaffes, like organizing a seating plan for a wedding in a family with multiple remarriages.

  I tried a complex star-rating system, but that seemed somehow . . . strange.

  Then I thought it was like award ceremonies when everyone else is bored by the thanking and the only people who care are the thankees. So, finally, I decided just to put it in alphabetical order and hope that’s OK.

  But you know who you are and where you actually should be in the hierarchical order (first). And I really am appreciative of the help and generous sharing of amusing experiences, and experience, and moral support. And I really . . . I really . . . (bursts into tears) . . . thank you.

  Gillon Aitken, Sunetra Atkinson, Simon Bell, Maria Benitez, Grazina Bilunskiene, Paul Bogaards, Helena Bonham Carter, Bob Bookman, Alex Bowler, Billy Burton, Nell Burton, Susan Campos, Paulina Castelli, Beth Coates, Richard Coles, Dash Curran, Kevin Curran, Romy Curran, Scarlett Curtis, Kevin Douglas, Eric Fellner and all at Working Title, Richard, Sal, Freddie and Billie Fielding, my mum Nellie Fielding (not like Bridget’s), the entire Fielding family, Colin Firth, Carrie Fisher, Paula Fletcher, Dan Franklin, Mariella Frostrup, the Glazer family, Hugh Grant, the Hallatt Wells family, Lisa Halpern, James Hoff, Jenny Jackson, Tina Jenkins, Christian Lewis, Jonathan Lonner, Tracey MacLeod, Karon Maskill, Amy Matthews, Jason McCue, Sonny Mehta, Maile Meloy, Daphne Merkin, Lucasta Miller, Leslee Newman, Catherine Olim, Imogen Pelham, Rachel Penfold, Iain Pickles, Gail Rebuck, Bethan Rees, Sally Riley, Renata Rokicki, Mike Rudell, Darryl Samaraweera, Brian Siberell, Steve Vincent, Andrew Walliker, Jane Wellesley, Kate Williamson, Daniel Wood.

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  Epub ISBN: 9781448163984

  Version 1.0

  www.randomhouse.co.uk

  Published by Jonathan Cape 2013

  2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1

  Copyright © Helen Fielding 2013

  Helen Fielding has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

  Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to reprint lyrics from the following songs: ‘Pricetag’, words and music by Lukasz Gottwald, Claude Kelly, Bobby Ray Simmons & Jessica Cornish © copyright 2011 Songs Of Universal, Inc/Ham Squad Music, universal/MCA Music Limited, All Rights Reserved, International Copyright Secured, used by permission of Music Sales Limited; © copyright 2011 reproduced by permission of Sony/ATV Music Publishing (UK) Ltd, London W1F 9LD; © copyright 2011 Warner-Tamberlane Publishing Corp, (BMI) and Studio Beast Music (BMI) all rights on behalf of itself and Studio Beast Music administered by Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp; © Published by Kasz Money Publishing and Prescription Songs LLC, administered by Kobalt Music Publishing Limited; Copyright Kasz Money Publishing and Prescription Songs LLC administered by Kobalt Music Publishing Australia Pty Ltd, with print rights administered by All Music Publishing & Distribution Pty Ltd ACN 147 390 814, www.halleonard.com.au. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Unauthorised Reproduction is Illegal. ‘Play The Game’, words and music by Freddie Mercury © 1980, Reproduced by permission of Queen Music Ltd/EMI Music Publishing Ltd, London W1F 9LD.

  First published in Great Britain in 2013 by

  Jonathan Cape

  Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road,

  London SW1V 2SA

  www.vintage-books.co.uk

 
Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/offices.htm

  The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN Hardback 9780224098090

  Trade Paperback 9780224098106

  FB2 document info

  Document ID: cecc7c76-1c07-4029-98bc-09719b6a7f0d

  Document version: 1

  Document creation date: 23.10.2013

  Created using: calibre 0.9.25 software

  Document authors :

  Helen Fielding

  About

  This file was generated by Lord KiRon's FB2EPUB converter version 1.1.5.0.

  (This book might contain copyrighted material, author of the converter bears no responsibility for it's usage)

  Этот файл создан при помощи конвертера FB2EPUB версии 1.1.5.0 написанного Lord KiRon.

  (Эта книга может содержать материал который защищен авторским правом, автор конвертера не несет ответственности за его использование)

  http://www.fb2epub.net

  https://code.google.com/p/fb2epub/