Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Read online

  10 Mars and Venus in the Dustbin

  Monday 14 July

  9st 4, alcohol units 4, cigarettes 12 (no longer priority), calories 3,752 (pre-diet), self-help books scheduled for dustbin 47.

  8 a.m. In turmoil. Surely it cannot be that reading selfhelp books to improve my relationship has destroyed the whole relationship? Feel like entire life's work has been a failure. But if is one thing have learned from self-help books is how to let go of the past and move on.

  About to be thrown out:

  What Men Want

  How Men Think and What They Feel

  Why Men Feel They Want What They Think They Want

  The Rules

  Ignoring the Rules

  Not Now, Honey, I'm Watching the Game

  How to Seek and Find the Love You Want

  How to Find the Love You Want Without Seeking It

  How to Find You Want the Love You Didn't Seek

  Happy To Be Single

  How Not To Be Single

  If Buddha Dated

  If Mohammed Dated

  If Jesus Dated Aphrodite The Famished Road by Ben Okri (not strictly self-help book, as far as know, but will never read the bloody thing anyway)

  Right. All going in the bin plus the other thirty-two. Oh God, though. Cannot bear to throw out The Road Less Travelled and You Can Heal Your Life. Where else is one to turn for spiritual guidance to deal with problems of modern age if not self-help books? Also maybe should give to oxfam? But no. Must not ruin relationships of others, especially in Third World. Would be worse than behaviour of tobacco giants.

  Problems

  Hole in wall of flat.

  Finances in negative position owing to second mortgage for hole in wall of flat.

  Boyfriend going out with Other Woman.

  Not speaking to joint best friend as is going on holiday with boyfriend and Other Woman.

  Work crap but necessary owing to second mortgage for hole in wall of flat.

  Badly need holiday owing to boyfriend/friends/hole in wall

  of flat/professional and financial crises but no one to go on holiday with. Tom is going back to San Francisco. Magda and Jeremy are going to Tuscany with Mark and fucking Rebecca and probably jude and Vile Richard too for all I know. Shazzer being evasive presumably waiting to see if Simon will agree to go somewhere with her if sleep in twin beds (not under five foot), hoping he will get into hers.

  Also no money to go on holiday owing to financial crisis owing to hole in wall of flat.

  No. Am not going to weaken. Have been too swayed this way and that by everyone else's ideas. They are going. In. The. Bin. I am Going. To stand on. Own. Two. Feet.

  8.30 a.m. Flat is purged of all self-help books. Feel empty and spiritually at sea. But surely some of information will have stayed in head?

  Spiritual principles have garnered from self-help book study (non-dating based):

  1. Importance of positive thought cf.: Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Confidence, The Road Less Travelled, How to Rid Your Thighs of Cellulite in 30 Days, Gospel according to St Luke, Ch. 13.

  2. Importance of forgiveness.

  3. Importance of going with flow and instincts rather than trying to squeeze everything into shape and organize everything.

  4. Importance of confidence in self.

  5. Importance of honesty.

  6. Importance of enjoying present moment and not fantasizing or regretting things.

  7. Importance of not being obsessed with self-help books.

  So solution is to:

  1. Think what a nice time am having writing lists of problems and spiritual solutions instead of planning ahead and ...

  Gaaah! Gaaah! Is 8.45! Am going to miss morning meeting and not have time for cappuccino.

  10 a.m. In work. Thank God have got cappuccino to help self through aftermath of hell of buying cappuccino when late. Is bizarre how cappuccino queue thing gives whole areas of London appearance of war- or communism-torn culture with people standing patiently in huge queues for hours as if waiting for bread in Sarajevo while others sweat, roasting and grinding, banging metal things full of gunge around, with steam hissing. Is odd when people generally show less and less willingness to wait for anything that should be prepared to do so for this one thing: as if in cruel modern world is only thing one can really trust and hold on to ... Gaaah!

  10.30 a.m. Loos, work. Was Richard Finch bellowing at self. "Come on, Bridget. Don't be coy," the great lump roared in front of everyone, twitching and chewing in now-obvious post-cocaine-binge frenzy. "When are you going?"

  "Er..." I said, hoping I could ask Patchouli, "Where?" later.

  "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? It is literally unbelievable. When are you going on holiday? If you don't fill it in on the chart now you won't be going."

  "Oh, um, yar," I said airily.

  "No charto no departo."

  "Sure, sure, yar, just need to check out the dates," I said clenching my teeth. As soon as the meeting was over, shot in here to loos for cheering cigarette. Does not matter if am only person in whole office not going on holiday. it does not. Does not mean am social outcast. Definitely. All is well in my world. Even if do have to do item on surrogacy, again.

  6 p.m, Nightmare day trying to get women in to talk about quease-inducing egg-hatching permutations. Cannot face thought of going straight home to building site. Is gorgeous, soft sunny evening. Maybe will go for a walk on Hampstead Heath.

  9 p.m. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Just shows if you stop struggling to work everything out, and go with Flow in Zen-like positive way, solutions appear.

  Was just walking along path towards the top of Hampstead Heath thinking how fantastic London is in the summer with people loosening their ties after work and spreading out shaggily in the sunshine when eye was caught by a happy-looking couple: she on her back with her head on his stomach, him smiling, and stroking her hair while he talked. Something about them looked familiar. As I got closer, I saw that it was Jude and Vile Richard.

  Realized had never seen them alone together before well, obviously because if I'd been there they wouldn't have been. Suddenly Jude burst out laughing at something Vile Richard had said. She looked really happy. I hesitated, wondering whether to walk past or go back, then Vile Richard said, "Bridget?"

  I paused, frozen, and Jude looked up and gawped unattractively.

  Vile Richard got to his feet brushing the grass off him.

  "Hey, good to see you, Bridget," he said with a grin. Realized had always seen him before in Jude-based social situations, when I'd been flanked by Shazzer and Tom and he'd been chippily resentful.

  "I'm just going off for some wine, you sit down with Jude. Oh, come on, she won't eat you. She won't touch anything with dairy."

  When he'd gone, Jude smiled sheepishly. "I'm not pleased to see you or anything."

  "Not pleased to see you either," I said gruffly.

  "So do you want to sit down?'

  "All right," I said, kneeling down on the rug at which she biffed me awkwardly on the shoulder nearly knocking

  me over.

  "I missed you," she said.

  "Shut-urrrrp," I said out of the corner of my mouth. For a moment, thought I was going to cry.

  Jude apologized for being insensitive about Rebecca. She said she'd just got carried away by the thought of anyone who was pleased she was marrying Vile Richard. Turns out she and Vile Richard are not going to Tuscany with Mark and Rebecca, even though they were invited, because Vile Richard said he didn't want to be bossed around by a deranged social engineer and he'd rather they just went on their own. Found self unaccountably warming to Vile Richard. I said I was sorry for falling out over something so stupid as whole Rebecca thing.

  "It wasn't stupid. You were really hurt," said Jude. Then she said they were delaying the wedding because it had all got so complicated but she still wanted me and Shaz to be bridesmaids. "If you want to," she said shyly. "But I know you don't like him."


  "You really love him, don't you?'

  "Yes," she said happily. Then she looked anxious. "But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. It says in The Road Less Tavelled that love isn't something you feel but something you decide to do. And also in How to Get The Love You Want that if you go out with someone who doesn't properly earn their own living and accepts help from his parents then they haven't de-parented and it'll never work."

  What was going through my head was the Nat King Cole song my dad was playing in the shed. "The greatest thing ... You'll ever learn . . ."

  "Also I think he's an addict because he smokes dope and addicts can't form relationships. My shrink says ..."

  ". . . is how to love and be loved in return."

  ". - - I shouldn't have a relationship for at least a year because I'm a relationship addict," Jude went on. "And you and Shaz just think he's a fuckwit. Bridge? Are you listening to me?'

  "Yes, yes, sorry. If it feels right I think you should go with it."

  "Exactly," said Vile Richard, towering above us like Bacchus with a bottle of Chardonnay and two packets of Silk Cut.

  Had fantastic time with Jude and Vile Richard and all piled into taxi and went back together. Once home, immediately called Shazzer to tell her the news.

  "Oh," she said when I'd fully explained the Zen-like miracle workings of Flow. "Er, Bridge?"

  "What?"

  "Do You want to go on holiday?"

  "I thought you didn't want to go with me."

  "Well, I just thought I'd wait till..."

  "Till what?"

  "Oh, nothing. But anyway..."

  "Shaz?" I prodded.

  "Simon's going to Madrid to see some girl he met on the Internet."

  Was torn between sorriness for Sharon, huge excitement about having someone to go on holiday with, and feelings of inadequacy for not being 6ft architect with penis when could not be further from same.

  "Baaah. It's just pashmina-ism. She'll probably turn out to be a man," I said to make Shazzie feel better.

  "But anyway," she said lightly, after a pause which sent huge pain vibes down the phone, "I've found these fantastic flights to Thailand for only Ј249 and we could go to Koh Samui and be hippies and it would hardly cost us anything!"

  "Hurrah!" I said. "Thailand! We can study Buddhism and have a spiritual epiphany."

  "Yes!" said Shaz. "Yes! And we're not having anything to do with any BLOODY MEN."

  So, you see ... Oh, telephone. Maybe Mark Darcy!

  Midnight. Phone call was from Daniel, sounding different from usual, though still, obviously, drunk. He said he was really down because things were going badly at work, and he was sorry about the Germany thing. He accepted that I was actually very good on geography and could we have dinner on Friday? Just to talk. So said yes. Feel v.g. about same. Why should I not be friend to Daniel in his hour of need? One must not harbour resentment as that only holds one back but must forgive.

  Also as Jude and Vile Richard shows - people can change and I was really crazy about him.

  And am v. lonely.

  And is just dinner.

  Am definitely not going to sleep with him though.

  Friday 18 July

  9st I (excellent omen), condoms attempted to Purchase 84, condoms purchased 36, usable condoms purchased 12 (should be plenty, think. Especially as not intended for actual use).

  2 p.m. Am going out in lunch hour to buy some condoms. Not going to sleep with Daniel or anything. Is just to be on safe side.

  3 p.m. Condom expedition proved total failure. Initially was totally enjoying sudden feeling of being condom consumer. When do not have sex life always feel sad when passing condom section as whole side of life that is denied to me. However, when got to counter found bewildering range of varied condoms: Ultra Safe 'for extra sensitivity', Variety Pack 'for extra choice' (alluring Kellogg's-style suggestion), Ultra Fine 'spermicidally lubricated', Gossamer, 'lubricated with a gentle lubricant without' (horrible repulsive word coming up) 'spermicide', Natural styled for Extra Comfort (does that mean bigger - then what if too big?). Stared downwards furiously looking under eyelashes at condom array. Surely what one would want is Extra Sensitivity and Extra Comfort and Ultra Fine so why does one have to choose between?

  "Can I help you?" said nosy chemist with knowing smirk. Obviously could not say I wanted condoms, as tantamount to announcing 'Am about to have sex': almost as when people are walking round obviously pregnant and is like saying 'Look, everyone, I have had sex'. Cannot believe condom industry whose very existence is virtual admission that everyone has sex all the time (apart from me), instead of continuing pretence that no one does, which is surely more normal in our land.

  Anyway. Just bought some Bradasols.

  6.10 p.m. Irritatingly detained at work till 6 p.m. and now chemist's is shut and have not got condoms. I know: will go to Tesco Metro. Will surely have as is store designed for impulsive Singletons.

  6.40 p.m. Wandered surreptitiously up and down toothpaste aisle. Zilch. Eventually, in desperation, sidled up to supervisor-style lady and whispered, with an attempt at all-lads-together, one-eyebrow-raised smirk, "Where are your condoms?"

  "We are going to do them," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe in a couple of weeks."

  "Fat lot of good that is to me!" I felt like yelling. "What about tonight?" Though am not going to sleep with him, obviously!

  Huh. Soi-disant modern, urban, Singleton-directed store. Humph.

  7 p.m. Just went to local stinky double-price corner shop. Could see condoms behind counter with cigarettes and vile tights but decided against as whole setting too sordid. Wish to purchase condom product in pleasant clean Boots-style environment. Also parlous choice. Just Premium Quality Teat-Ended.

  7.15 p.m. Have had brainwave. Will go to petrol station, wait in queue whilst secretly looking at condoms then ... Actually must not conform to outdated male stereotypes feeling forward or sluttish for carrying condoms. All clean girls have condoms. Is hygiene.

  7.30 p.m. Lalala. Have dunnit. Was easy. Actually managed to grab two packets: one Variety Pack (spice of life) and Improved Ultra Lightweight Latex Teat Ended for Even Greater Sensitivity. Assistant looked startled at range and quantity of condom choice yet strangely respectful: probably thought was biology teacher or similar purchasing condoms to teach early developing school pupils.

  7.40 p.m. Startled by frank drawings in instruction leaflet, which disturbingly made me think about not Daniel but Mark Darcy. Hmmm. Hmmm.

  7.50 p.m. Bet they had a difficult time deciding on sizing of pictures not to make anyone feel crestfallen or overarrogant. Variety Pack is insane. 'Mates coloured condoms are vibrantly coloured for extra fun.' Extra fun? Suddenly get garish image of couples with vibrantly coloured rude bits wearing paper hats, hooting with gay sexy laughter and hitting each other with balloons. Think will throw mad Variety Pack away. Right, better get ready. Oh God, telephone.

  8.15 p.m. Oh bloody hell. Was Tom moaning that he'd lost his mobile and thought he left it round here. Forced me to look all over for it, even though was really late, but could not find it and eventually suspected might have thrown it away with the self-help books and newspapers. "Well, can you go and get it?" he said eagerly.

  "I'm really late. Can't I do it tomorrow?"

  "But what if they empty the bins? What day do they come?"

  "Tomorrow morning," I said with a sinking, bitter heart. "But the thing is, they're those big communal dustbins and I don't know which one it's in."

  Ended up flinging long leather jacket on top of bra and knickers and going out into street to wait till Tom rang the phone so could find out which it was in. Was just standing on wall peering into the dustbins when a familiar voice said, "Hello."

  Turned round and there was Mark Darcy.

  He glanced down and I realized was standing with fortunately co-ordinated - underwear on full display. "What are you doing?" he said.

  "I'm waiting for the dustbin to ring,"
I replied with dignity, pulling jacket around self.

  "I see." There was a pause. "Have you been waiting ... long?"

  "No," I said carefully. "A normal amount of time."

  Just then one of the dustbins started to ring. "Ah, that'll be for me," I said and started to try to reach into it. "Please, allow me," said Mark, put down his briefcase, leapt, rather agilely on to the wall, reached into the dustbin and picked out the phone.

  "Bridget Jones's phone," he said. "Yes of course, I'll put her on."

  He handed it to me. "It's for you."

  "Who's that?" hissed Tom, hysterical with excitement. "Sexy voice - who is it?"

  I put my hand over the earpiece. "Thank you so much," I said to Mark Darcy who had picked a handful of selfhelp books out of the bin and was looking at them with a puzzled expression.

  "Not at all," he said, putting the self-help books back. "Er . . ." He paused, looking at my leather jacket.

  "Wbat?" I said, heart racing.

  "Oh, nothing, er, just, um, well, nice to see you." He hesitated. "Well ... nice to see you again." Then he gave an attempt at a smile, turned and started to walk off.

  "Tom, I'll call you back," I said into the protesting mobile. My heart was beating wildly. By all the laws of dating etiquette I should just let him go but I was thinking about the overheard conversation behind the hedge. "Mark?"

  He turned round looking full of emotion. For a moment we just stared at each other.

  "Hey Bridge! Are you coming out for dinner without a skirt?"

  It was Daniel, walking up, early, behind me.

  I saw Mark take him in. He gave me a long, painful look then turned on his heel and strode away.

  I I p.m. Daniel had not spotted Mark Darcy - both fortunately and unfortunately because on the one hand did not need to explain what he was doing there but on other hand could not explain why was feeling so churned up. The minute we got in the flat Daniel started trying to kiss me. It felt very strange not to want him to after all the time I spent last year desperately wanting him to and wondering why he wasn't.